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"And both that morning equally lay/ In leaves no step had trodden black./ Oh, I marked the first for another day!/ Yet knowing how way leads on to way/ I doubted if I should ever come back." "The Road Not Taken" - Robert Frost
I survey the furnishings in my house, the things I've come to appreciate and treasure. I glance out at the backyard filled with all manner of plants I'm currently babying along. My eyes rest on the basil and mint drying in the corner of my little kitchen, and I think about all the meals I'd love to try completely from scratch. I wander into the bathroom, take a long look in the mirror and ask myself, "Who ARE you?!"
You see, the me I am today is veeery different from the me I was, say in my 20's or even my 40's.
At the age of sixty-two - and I don't mind confessing that one bit, as I am both thankful and blessed that God has given me these many decades - I have come to a reconciliation of sorts... with myself. All the extra baggage of what I could have done, or should have done, or what might have been has been dropped or left by the wayside to accommodate a lighter travel. The only things I carry along now are the things most necessary, primarily, faith, family, friendships, and service.
When I was a little girl, I had dreams, BIG dreams, which always culminated in my getting married and having children. That was my goal, my ideal, and I held onto that with fierce determination. Then one day, it occurred to me that God might have other plans for me. I might have to give up my dreams for His, and it left me honestly, a little heartbroken. I never wanted anything more than to be a wife and a mother... and to be good at both.
Having graduated high school and needing to find a way to support myself, and also NOT being ready for marriage or children yet, I landed on attending college and acquiring a teaching degree. I would shower the love and devotion I had to give on other people's kids until, and if, I ever had my own. What then possessed me to go into band directing... and with middle school stidents to boot, is really beyond me. These kids could be both goofy and profound. They could act like babies one minute and perfectly lovely adults the next. It was challenging and exhausting, but also exhilarating, and it did not deter me one iota from having kids of my own!
I thought I had found my nitch. I pursued a Masrter's Degree, and even entertained my counselor's suggestion (for a hot minute) that I go on to get a doctorate and consider teaching music education at the college level. That was, until God placed into my lap everything I had ever wanted.
I got married to the most wonderful man... and had four darling children. They really are!!!!
Going back to teaching got farther and farther in the rear view mirror as Tom and I bagan to raise our crew and went on to homeschool them. It was twenty-five years between the birth of our first and high school graduation for our youngest. In between I reacquainted myself with subjects like Spanish and Algebra. I agonized... and marveled over advanced math problems that took three pages to solve. I converted moles to grams and grams to moles, and worked equations for ideal gas laws. It was challenging and exhausting, but also exhilarating.
Again, I had found my nitch. But, all too soon, at least for me, those years were over. Here I was once more shifting and morphing, and not quite sure at all what God had in store for me next. It was time to take another step, choose a path and all that, but since I had no idea yet what direction to head or where that step should land, I just struck out randomly and fell into this whole blog-writing, line-drying, herb-growing, jam-making thing.
And I have found my nitch once again.
I wish I had paid more attention to my grandmothers when I was a kid. They were both a wealth of information and skills. They cooked from scratch... and baked. Oh, the fudge and divinity!! Nana was the cook, Granny, the baker. I could have asked them to teach me, but those old-fashioned ways just didn't appeal to my teenage self more concerned with playing trumpet like Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass and dating boys. I could kick myself now. How I wish I had garnered those skills, growing herbs, dividing plants, quilting... by hand!
But...
All is not lost, because I'm here now and more enthusiastic than ever! I will try and fail, I know, but the joy will come in the doing of the thing, and I can live with that.
My days consist of helping out friends, family, and church whenever I can, writing this blog (even if no one reads it but me), pursuing a deeper relationship with the Lord, loving on my grandbabies, encouraging my kids, valuing Tom, caring for this sweet casita, and drying herbs in the corner of my kitchen.
Yeah, sometimes I almost don't recognize myself. Who HAVE I become from where I started all these long roads ago? To tell the truth, I think I have become more ME. God has given me so many wonderful experiences. I have learned so many lessons. I have come to appreciate so much more about the little things in life than I ever did before, and, along with the Apostle Paul, I have learned how to be content... or at least I think I have.
I appreciate all the paths, all the twists and turns that brought me here. And, here is where I'll happily stay... until God nudges me onward again.
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,/ I took the one less traveled by,/ And that has made all the difference." (Rober Frost)
Sometimes we end up in a place very different from what we could ever have imagined.
And sometimes...
it's better than our wildest dreams.
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