"Mirror, Mirror on the wall... you're not helping!"

I have a confession. This time of year always gets me a little blue. I start feeling the weight of another year's passing as each birthday approaches. It isn't the age thing that bothers me. Believe me, I wouldn't want to relive my youth, even though much of it was wonderful. No, it's something deeper that gets to me, a fog rolling in, heavy with accusations that I wasn't more, didn't do more than I could have... than I should have.

I guess the closest thing this exercise is akin to is making New Year's resolutions, but they look forward. Birthdays, for me, are more like self-evaluations that look nowhere but back. I get brutally honest with myself - asking the hard questions and always expecting better answers than I can honestly give.

"Did you love your husband, your family better this year than last?"

"Have you served others better, ministered to others better this past year?"

"Are you farther along in your spiritual growth than you were a year ago?"

It's never a report card I'd like take home.

Oh, I know. I really do know that God's grace and forgiveness covers all my shortcomings. I just wish there weren't so many.

Recently I came upon a little book by Ann Voskamp, selections from: One Thousand Gifts. I think it's basically a small gift version of her larger volume of the same name. I've only begun to get into it, but her motivation for writing the book came from a friend's challenge to put down on paper a thousand gifts God had placed into her life.

She talked a bit about how that exercise began to change her.

Reading her account made me realize that I've been approaching things all wrong, backwards, to be exact. When I've been doing all that self-evaluation, I've been in effect, looking at my reflection in the mirror, focusing solely and squarely on me.

That's kind of a problem. My focus should be elsewhere. I should be looking up.

There are many components to the Christian life, but chief among them are worship and service.

Which comes first?

I think I've been too intent on putting a magnifying glass to the service aspect while leaving woefully under-viewed... worship. The two go hand-in-hand, it's true. Living life to the fullest should encompass both. Having said that, however, I may have lost sight of the fact that he Giver always gives first. He comes. He initiates. He sacrifices. He loves. Then we respond. We respond in praise and service. Service is as natural a response as saying, "I love you too," when the first words of love are spoken to us.

Perhaps my attitude needs adjusting. Perhaps MY "narrative" needs to change.

What if, instead of looking back at a year's worth of inadequacy, I spend a day in intentional vision, observing ALL the good and perfect gifts the Giver has placed into my life? This sounds so simple, doesn't it? It should be, but all too often I let the busy-ness of this life crowd out the necessity of being present in the moment, awake to the wonder of something as intricate as the engineering of a bird's feather, or of something as majestic as a sunset that takes my breath away.

What if, instead of just one day I take a year's worth of days, recording in a journal as Ann Voskamp did, these observations, these precious gifts put here by my Father for me to enjoy? What if I focus on these gifts, these little love notes, three times a day for this next year? I will have over one thousand, "I love you" s laying out before me, page after page. How could my "narrative" NOT change. And out of that change would not the most natural of responses come forth?

"I love you too, Daddy."

When God reaches down into our brokenness and binds and heals and loves and values, we can't help but respond in service, thanking Him for saving us. Thanking Him for the unconditional love and grace He so lavishly showers upon us. Thanking Him that even our filthy rags of service, our imperfect attempts at doing the right thing are a pleasing aroma, because He knows our heart.

I don't think He wants me looking in the mirror anymore. He wants me to look up. He wants me to focus my full attention on Him, the Giver, because He sees in me so much more than I could ever imagine... and He wants to remind me of that every day.

But I have to put first things first, and first...

I have to look up.

Gonna share here a couple of stanzas of an old hymn I absolutely love: "Turn Your eyes Upon Jesus." It speaks my heart today.

O soul are you weary and troubled

No light in the darkness you see,

There's light for a look at the Savior

And life more abundant and free.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in his wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of his glory and grace.