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This week marks another orbit around the sun for me. As far as birthdays go, it was a good one... pretty chill. I've never been a big party girl, but I always enjoy going out to eat or taking the Jeep for a romp in the Hill Country. It makes my day to hear from friends or to get a visit from family. All those things are wonderful blessings, and I don't take them for granted, but these past few years I have found myself becoming quite melancholy as my birthday approaches.
The whole getting older thing doesn't bother me, not really, except for the times my mind convinces my body that it's still as youthful and spry as ever... and I pay for it the next day. No, I think ever since our last kid graduated college and got married I have turned focus inward on each big day... and I'm not sure that's been a good thing. I guess that sounds weird, huh? I mean, aren't we supposed to be a little self-focused on our birthdays? What I'm talking about is different from the attention of cards, presents, and cake. It's more like self-examination. Reflection. Sometimes judgment.
I can always feel it coming on, like a shift in the wind. I take out the mental progress report and start grading. Have I contributed more this past year, yes or no? Have I done more for others this past year, yes or no? Am I closer to the Lord, yes or no? Have I started anything new? Am I more well-read? Am I healthier? Did I get more of my "ToDo" projects knocked out? Etc., etc., etcetera....
Taking time to ask myself some tough questions isn't a bad thing. I WANT to be closer to the Lord. I WANT to be healthier. I'm all about contributing and being helpful, but when the grades come in looking less than stellar, well, I'm not gonna lie, it's kind of a bummer. With the wrongly weighted scale in mind I can fall into a funk that's hard to get out of.
Reflection is ok... it can even be profitable, but for that to happen I can't stall out on that step.
Tom is a good guy. I'm lucky... blessed really, to have him. He keeps me grounded. He has seen me at my best and at my worst. He recognizes the wind shifts too, and he brings me back around out of self to look at the view from God's eyes.
Perhaps a year is too big a chunk to analyze all at once. Take a day. That's more manageable. Have I been faithful today in doing whatever task God has placed before me? Perhaps an hour is even better. Am I choosing to listen to and obey God's voice in this hour? What about this minute, right now? A year is just a compilation of moments, days, weeks. If I'm giving God my best yes in all the little things, there is no need to bemoan any shortcomings.
Reflection is ok... redirection is even better. If I want to examine the past year, scrutinize every detail, then let it be through the lens of God's eyes. Let me recall every blessing God showered on me. Let me take note of every provision, every tight scrape He brought me through. Let me put stars by the days He showed me how much He cares about even the minutest details of my life (the page would be covered in them). I want to focus less on me and more on Him. I want to thank Him for the love, the forgiveness, the grace, the support, the encouragement, the consolation... the friendship.
I want to turn my gaze outward and upward to where the good stuff is... to where He is.
Birthdays aren't really for celebrating me. They're for celebrating Him... for bringing me safely through another year, for giving my life purpose and meaning, for gifting me days, hours, and minutes to spend in joyful service to Him and others. So. Many. Blessings. If I reflect that way, what a birthay it will
be, indeed!
So here's to 62 and to you, God. You are the Lord of my life. Everything I have, everything I am, and everything I will ever be belong to you. If I start falling into that same old trap again, please redirect.
Less me... more You.
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus;
Look well in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."
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